by guest contributor Dr Shafali Tsabary

Want to know how to build connection with your kids?
Let me give you an example from this morning…
My daughter was – unconsciously – rude this morning. Grumpy, irritable and…rude.
My instinct? To do all the “correcting” in the world.
Oh, and I felt justified…completely.
But what good would this do?
She would just feel bad, ashamed, guilty and embarassed. These were NOT the emotions that would create change.
What would create change?
Only if and when she connected to her heart and mine.
So instead of entering control, I entered connection.
I drew her to me. I asked her to think about what she just said. I told her to pause and reflect on her energy. I asked her to observe her sullen expression, her tight body.
I requested her to breathe and let it all go.
She did.
Then I told her to look deep into my eyes and see my hurt heart. I asked her about her heart. I asked her if she was hurting.
She said no.
I asked her if she had a good weekend.
She said yes, a great one.
I asked her if she was loved.
She said yes, a lot.
I asked her if she was happy.
She said yes, very.
I asked her if she loved her life and felt grateful.
She said yes, a lot.
Then why were you rude?
I don’t know mommy:(
Its because you were just being unconscious huh?
She nodded in silence.
We talked about being unconscious. Being triggered. Her higher self and her lower self. Her vibration. Her energy. Mine. I asked her to write about it when she got home. About herself. Her path. Her journey. Her Universe.
She said she would write in her journal.
Total time on this process: 10 minutes.
These were 10 minutes I could ill-afford in the morning. There went my exercise class! There went my morning internet time!
But I knew the moment to process was right here, right now.
It took a lot longer than reprimanding her and threatening her.
But it was so worth it.
When our children act out, are disrespectful or defiant, our immediate instinct is to correct their outward behavior. We give them a yell, a threat, a warning, a consequence. None of these really work in the long run. What works is this: Pausing. Taking stock. Sitting still. Holding them. Creating awareness. Building connection. Developing insight. Leading them to look inward.

Dr Shafali Tsabary is a New York based clinical psychologist who recently did a Ted Talk. You can view her talk here..

Shefali’s latest book: The Conscious Parent has been prefaced by HH the Dalai Lama and endorsed by Eckhart Tolle, Marianne Williamson, Marci Shimoff and others. Learn more about her work and her book at:


Alena Turley is an Australian mentor for mothers. Founder of the pioneering blog, the Soul Mama Hub, her wellbeing membership offers a powerful pathway for mothers ready to go from over-extended, stuck in the daily grind, to empowered, inspired and energised so they can become the CHANGEMAKERS they dream of being.

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